| (no subject) |
[Jul. 15th, 2005|03:20 am] |
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today while i was making dinner formyself in an empty house i thought up this whole character named Matthew de la Hoya, my mind kind of just did it on it's own. i didn't ask it too. Matthew thinks its strange how people always make arrangements to share the dishwashing/cooking responsiblities. He thinks it's satisfying to wash his own cooking dishes, and isnt totally comfortable with washing pots and pans that other people cooked with. He lives in a one bedroom apartment with his mother, stepfather, and two older sisters, who he is secretley sexually attracted to. He gets satisfactory grades in school, but is dedicated to passing. He cooks often, because it's somthing that provides instant gratification, and makes him believe he is supporting his family. He cries while masturbating every night on the living oom couch. He is Fifteen years old, and he often wears muscle shirts even though he has no muscles. |
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| umm... what!? |
[Jul. 7th, 2005|07:58 pm] |
"I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."
Matthew 18:3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 5th, 2005|09:53 pm] |
don't be scared to pogo! says:
al-jazzera is comin' out with an english channel
now we are six says:
crank it up |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 9th, 2005|06:06 pm] |
you know justin, well justin's dead
and yahoo wont let his family have access to his email account |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 25th, 2005|09:12 pm] |
The fake cops and the vertical struts had all their gear stolen in vancouver (over $18 000 worth) If you live in vancouver please keep an eye out for any of this, and spread this link around.
http://www.verticalstruts.com/stolen |
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| SOUNDS LIKE SOMTHING A GOTH WOULD WRITE! |
[May. 10th, 2005|11:38 pm] |
9:30
A screenplay by
R. J. Graham
&
E. M. Keeler
Scene 1
THIS SCENE IS FILMED ENTIRELY IN FIRST PERSON P.O.V. OF MEGAN MARGARET ROSS.
THE CAMERA SEES (MEGAN'S) HAND AND A BOTTLE OF PILLS. THE HAND EMPTIES SOME PILLS INTO THE OTHER HAND, AND THIS HAND TRAVELS TOWARDS THE LENS, WHICH BLACKS TEMPORARILY, AS IF IT IS A BLINKING EYE. IT OPENS AGAIN, AND THE PROCESS IS REPEATED, WITH SOME SORT OF DISTORTION. REPEAT. UNTIL THE SCENE IS ALMOST ENTIRELY DISTORTED, FADING TO BLACK, AND WE HEAR A CONCERNED VOICE.
VOICE(CARING): Megan? Meg, are you in here? I think we've got a few things to discuss..... MEGAN? OH MY GOD! MEGAN! WAKE UP. C'mon, sweetie wake up! JIM, CALL AN AMBULANCE! C'mon, Megs, Megan, Megan, please wake up.....
Scene 2
(Possibly the credit sequence)
THE SCREEN IS STILL BLACK, AND WE HEAR THE VOICE OF THE THERAPIST.
THERAPIST: Welcome to the Schribersworth youth home. I'm Doctor Samuel Schribersworth, and I will be showing you the rounds. This is the common area, where, if you wish, you may read, or draw, or play one of our many board games. This is Eric, this is Sylvia, Sarah, Jason, and Rob. This way to the bathroom, it's a converted house, so there are no stalls. This is where the eating room is, and this is Ashley, Grant, Jim, and Yasmina. Down this corridor, in the room on the left, is where the therapeutic sessions will be taking place. We do a combination of group therapy and one on one here. I run both types of sessions. But by the time you get out of here, kid, I'm sure you'll be feeling just fine.
Scene 3
THE CAMERA IS IN THE P.O.V. OF THERAPIST, WE SEE HIM SURVEYING THE ROOM, WITH THE PEOPLE ON CHAIRS IN A CIRCLE.
THERAPIST: 'Kay, gang. As you can all see, we have a new person staying with us. This is Megan. So, if you're all ready to get started, let's open the discussion. To help Megan feel more comfortable we're going to do a round of the circle, wherein you will say your name, and something about yourself. We might as well start with you, Michelle, as Megan is your new roommate.
MICHELLE: So, like, we're going to be M & M? How cute. Whatever, I'm Michelle. I'm your roommate.
ERIC: I'm Eric. Uh, I hate this.
THERAPIST: Keep it civil, guys.
THE REMAINDER OF THE CAST INTRODUCES THEMSELVES, SAYING SOMETHING IN CHARACTER. THIS IS BEING DONE UNDERNEATH THE SOUND OF MEGAN THINKING. THIS TAKES PLACE FROM MEGAN'S POINT OF VIEW.
MEGAN (V.O.): Great. Just great. This looks like a wondrously uplifting lot. I can tell I'm going to have a lot of fun here. The best way to go about this is to just open myself to therapy. Let the words fly between my synapses, and use both hemispheres of my brain. The best way to go about this is not to fuck up. The best way to go about this is rationality. I don't feel like killing myself anymore. I don't need to be here. I need to get through this program by the fall. I'm not going to miss my life for teenage stupidity. I'm doing it again, echoing my self, thinking in deja vu`. Buckle down, champ, this wont be easy, but you'll be cured. 'By the time you get outta here, kid, I'm sure you'll be feeling just fine.' I should've told him he was the expert.
Scene 4
TAKING PLACE IN MEGAN AND MICHELLE'S ROOM. THERE IS THE SOUND OF A DOOR LOCKING. MICHELLE HAS A SMALL STUFFED ANIMAL ON HER BED. MICHELLE DELIVERS HER LINES FROM SOMEWHERE VERY HIDDEN. SHE IS TRAPPED IN SOME SORT OF INTERNAL WORLD, THOUGH IS NOT PSYCHOTIC, NOR HALLUCINATORY. SHE IS AN EXTREME ESCAPIST, RELYING ON ELABORATE FANTASIES, MOST OFTEN PREFERRING HER INTERNAL REALITY TO THAT WHICH IS GOING ON AROUND HER. HER COMMENTS USUALLY SEEM SOMEWHAT CONTRIVED, REHEARSED, SHE SPENDS LONG AMOUNTS OF TIME SORTING ANECDOTES AND PHRASES IN HER HEAD.
MICHELLE: There it is. [PAUSE] Every night, nine thirty sharp. Do you know why they lock us in at nine thirty?
MEGAN: Because we're teenagers. We work best on ten hours of sleep.
MICHELLE: It's so we can't hurt ourselves in the night. I hope you pissed before lockdown.
MEGAN: Yeah, uh, I think I'll be okay.
PAUSE
MEGAN: It's odd, though. If you think about it, I mean, teenagers supposedly have different body rhythms than adults.... [TRYING TO MAKE SOME SORT OF EFFORT TO PLEASE MICHELLE.]
MICHELLE [AFTER SOME CONSIDERATION]: Yes. I read that somewhere. I used to read a lot.
MEGAN: I like to think I read a fair amount.
MICHELLE: Oh. Well, we all like to think.
MEGAN: Oh. Yeah.
MICHELLE: Good night;. Good night moon.
MEGAN: .........Goodnight-
MICHELLE ROLLS AWAY FROM MEGAN, WHO STARES AT CEILING, OBVIOUSLY FEELING SOME DISTRESS..
MICHELLE: Good Night Moon is a children's book.
MEGAN: I know.
MICHELLE: Well, good.
MEGAN: 'Night.
Scene 5
THERAPIST'S P.O.V. TAPE RECORDER TURNED ON, PAPER AND PEN BEING READIED.
[OCCASIONALLY, THROUGH OUT MOST SESSIONS, HE GLANCES TOWARDS HIS NOTES, WE SEE A CHARACTER OF WHOMEVER HE HAPPENS TO BE ADDRESSING. HIS NOTES ARE TAKEN DOWN LIKE A GRAPHIC NOVEL, OR JOURNAL SKETCH BOOK. SOME PARTS OF THE PATIENTS ANATOMY OR FACES HAVE BEEN GROSSLY EXAGGERATED, TO MATCH WITH SYMPTOMS.]
THERAPIST: So, Megan, how are you liking it here so far?
MEGAN: I'm feeling fairly neutral about it right now, actually. I think it might be better, in someways than I imagined.
THERAPIST: In some ways?
MEGAN: Yes. Although I think my roommate, uh, Michelle, rather, talks in her sleep. But I can't be too sure, I was asleep too, you know.
THERAPIST: Yes. If you come to any conclusions about that, please, by all means, let me know. Other than that, how do you feel about being a part of the program?
MEGAN: Well, it's supposed to help me, right? I don't think I should turn it down.
THERAPIST: That's good to hear Megan. You're already a step ahead, because you want to be helped. I'm going to ask you some questions every personal session, to start off. Is that alright?
MEGAN: Yeah, shoot.
THERAPIST: Are you feeling physically well today?
MEGAN: Yes.
THERAPIST: Well rested?
MEGAN: For the most part. Aside from, um, Michelle.
THERAPIST: Okay, now I also ask for a goal each personal session, something you want to deal with in the context of what we discuss or do this morning. Every day, there will be one group session, and a personal, one on one session, usually in the morning. I'm going to ask you for a goal for today.
MEGAN: Um, I guess, the best thing to do would be to establish a sense of repoire with you. Trust, and such.
THERAPIST: Trust is a very personal thing, and I can't make you trust me, but I will tell you, Megan, that what is said in here, stays in here. With the exception your expressing the wish to harm yourself or others, no one will know what goes on in here. It's standard procedure to guarantee complete confidentiality.
MEGAN: I figured as much. Um, where should I start?
THERAPIST: Let's work backwards. Tell me about the reason you're here.
MEGAN: I tried to kill myself.
Scene 6
DEREK AND ERIC (ha) ARE SITTING NEAR THE BACK OF THE COMMON AREA,
SITTING FACING EACH OTHER THEY LOOK UP AT MEGAN AS SHE ENTERS THE
ROOM.
ERIC: another new girl?
DEREK: she looks like the type that would get raped. Good thing she's
not out back where I come from, I know a few guys who wouldn't
hesitate.
[MEGAN LOOKS AT THE FLOOR AND TURNS TO WALK OUT OF THE ROOM.]
ERIC: Hey! Where you going?
MEGAN STOPS, HESISTATES FOR A FEW SECONDS, THEN TURNS BACK AROUND.
MEGAN: I was planning on going back to my room.
ERIC: got room for one more?
MEGAN: no… no I don't. {TURNS TO WALK OUT AGAIN]
ERIC: awwww c'mon baby. [MEGAN RUNS OUT]
DEREK + ERIC: (laughter)
Scene 7
AGAIN, THERAPISTS POV, TAPE RECORDER TURNED ON AND PEN READIED
THERAPIST: Hello Michelle, how has your day been?
MICHELLE: What does that question even mean?
THERAPIST: I want to know how you're feeling.
MICHELLE: … (stares off blankly)
THERAPIST: Michelle?
MICHELLE: Do you know what Panopticon is, Doc?
THERAPIST: I can't say that I do, please tell me.
MICHELLE: It's a type of prison. It is designed so that each cell runs
the entire width of the building, but with inner and outer walls. Its
designed so that one guard can watch over the entire prison, but none
of the prisoners can never actually see the guard. So they never know
when they're being watched or not.
THERAPIST: What do you think about these prisons?
MICHELLE: Jeremy Bantham once wrote that they convey a sentiment of
invisible omniscience, he's the one who designed it.
THERAPIST: Do you feel like you're living in one of these prisons, Michelle?
MICHELLE: ….. (stares off again)
THERAPIST: Michelle? ….. michelle?
MICHELLE: Have you ever read Bantham? … no you wouldn't have. He
developed this idea where everything is measured by its ability to
make the most amount of people as happy as possible, or its utility.Its called utilitarianism [u·til ·i·tar·i·an·ism] and that's how you
would define right from wrong, is if your actions make people happy or
not. Basically it just means measuring everything by it's ability to
give the greatest amount of good feelings, like happiness, with the
least amount of pain.
[THERAPIST TAKES HIS TIME TAKING NOTES AND SKETCHING]
THERAPIST: What is your goal this session?
MICHELLE: I want to leave.
[CUT TO BLACK]
Scene 8
IT IS NIGHT TIME, IN THE ROOM OF ERIC AND MAURICIO. WE HEAR THE SOUND OF THE LOCK TURNING.
MAURICIO: Nine thirty.
ERIC: Yeah. The magic fuckin' hour.
MAURICIO: Yeah.
ERIC CRACKS A WINDOW, WHICH IS BARRED ON THE OUTSIDE, AND LIGHTS A CIGARETTE. HE BLOWS HIS SMOKE OUTSIDE, ASHING INTO A SMALL EGG CUP, OVERFLOWING WITH BUTTS.
ERIC: I can't wait to get the fuck outta here.
MAURICIO: That's a dangerous way to think. Make yourself go crazy.
ERIC: Yeah, well. Can't help it, man. I need a joint, without it I go crazy.
MAURICIO: I hear ya.
THERE IS A SILENCE FOR A WHILE. MAURICIO IS LYING ON HIS BED, STARING AT THE CEILING. ERIC IS SMOKING, SOMEWHAT DESPERATELY, AND WATCHING THE TOBACCO BURN.
ERIC: That's the first thing I'm gonna do, when I get out of here. Smoke a big fat one. Get a piece of pussy. Eat a taquito.
MAURICCIO: Fucker.
ERIC: Well, what am I supposed to think about. Locked up at nine thirty, like a fucking animal. I don't even belong here, man, I'm not even some suicidal schitzo. I just like my weed, speed, and a little piece every now and then. What's wrong with that?
MAURICIO: Nothing, but stop being a fucker about it. Please.
ERIC: I didn't even fucking try to kill myself. Fuck if I know why I'm here. Getting stoned and jumping into the river isn't suicide.
MAURICIO: Dude, shut up, quit whining. Pretend to be a civil human being.
ERIC: What? What's your problem, man? I'm just trying to fucking make conversation.
MAURICIO: Try giving it a rest, will ya?
ERIC: Giving what a rest? That's why we're all here, right? To have a fucking rest from reality, well, trust me, I'd rather have a real big hoot, and smoke up in front of the t.v. That's how I take my fucking rest, okay? I can talk if I fucking well want to, just 'cause you think your so tough, so fucking smart, doesn't mean I'm not aloud to speak my piece, you're the fucker. This whole place is filled with fuckers, and all I want is the right to get out of here and live my own fucking life, so you just shut your mouth and leave me the fuck alone-
MAURICIO:
I'M FUCKING WARNING YOU. SHUT THE FUCK UP.
DURING THIS TIME MAURICIO HAS SLOWLY RISES FROM THE BED, WITH A LETHAL GRACE. HE GRABS ERIC'S STILL LIT CIGARETTE, TAKES A DRAG, STOMPS IT INTO THE FLOOR, AND PROCEEDS TO BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ERIC. THIS DOES NOT GO ON TOO LONG, AS WE SOON HEAR THE ATHORATIVE VOICES OF WHAT ARE PRESUMABLY NIGHT STAFF, BREAKING UP THE FIGHT. THERE IS A FADE IN BOTH IMAGE (TO BLACK) AND SOUND.
Scene 9
THERAPISTS P.O.V. A GROUP SESSION. WE SEE A SCAN OF THE FACES OF THE GROUP AS HE SPEAKS.
THERAPIST: Alright. I need you guys to leave all animosities and negativity towards one another out side of this session. For any progress to be made, this is very important. Today we are going to discuss your own personal coping strategies. I want you to share how it is you find yourselves dealing with the negative aspects of everyday life. We will go once around the circle with no replies, and then, when everyone has shared, we will discuss the topic in an open forum. Questions?
PAUSE, TO VIEW ALL PATIENTS REACTIONS.
THERAPIST: Alright. Michelle, let's start with you.
MICHELLE: The coping mechanism I use most often is drawing.
ROBBIE: I usually just read, like, worst case scenario. Then I think about writings entries about what ever I'm going through.
ERIC: Lame.
THERAPIST: Eric, this is a respectful environment
MAURICIO CRACKS HIS KNUCKLES AUDIBLY.
THERAPIST: Please continue Robbie.
ROBBIE: I think I'm done, actually.
ERIC: In the real world, like, outside of this place, the best way to cop is to kick up your feet, have a smoke, a beer, maybe watch a little t.v. You know what I'm saying? LOOKING AT MEGAN TEASINGLY
YASMINA: I used to eat to cope with things. Mainly I suck on old lemons, black with pepper.
ROBBIE: Y'know, the worst case scenario guide to frenzied mobs says that you can use lemons to–
THERAPIST: Robbie, we're going to make a full circle first.
YASMINA: Old lemons are the most acidic. They usually make me puke.
DEREK: You make yourself puke.
YASMINA: Fuck you.
THERAPIST: Take it down a notch, guys. Let's move on. Derek?
DEREK: I dunno. I used to just call up one of the girls, I guess. Or take a hit of something strong.
ERIC: Fucken' rights.
THERAPIST (CAMERA) SHAKES HEAD, LOOKS AT NOTES, WHERE A VERY UGLY PICTURE OF ERIC AND DEREK SHOOTING UP GALLERY STYLE IS DRAWN.
SARAH: I think up all the prime numbers I know, sometimes. Or I repeat the digits of pi out in my head. Three-point-one-four-one-five-nine-two-six-five- and so on. It sounds stupid but it seems to calm me down, I guess.
GRANT: I think about my future, I guess. That there's better stuff to come, sort of.
MEGAN: Um, I don't know, yet. I used to go running, like cross country/track and field. Just pump and pump 'till I was out of breath and had forgot about what was bugging me, just thinking about how hard it is to breathe.
JASON: Yeah, I did that too, kinda. Except I swam. The pool was open late, so I didn't have to go back, y'know. I stopped swimming years ago, though.
THERAPIST: So how do you cope in the now?
JASON: Um, I don't. I have a beer.
ERIC: Fuckin' right. WITH A QUIET CRUELTY
A MOMENTS PAUSE, THEN A SWIFT BLACK.
Scene 10
[SCENE TAKES PLACE IN SARAH'S BEDROOM SOMETIME LATE AT NIGHT. SHE
DOESN'T HAVE A ROOMMATE SO SHE IS ALONE, AND ITS ALL EMPTY AND DARK
AND SHIT. IT'S JUST A MONOLOGUE.]
SARAH: [pacing back and forth at a whisper]
One four one five nine two six five three five eight nine seven nine
three two three eight four six two *mumbles *
.. why do they have to lock the doors? I don't get it. Why do I
have to be alone here,
mumble mumble eight three two seven
im sorry, imsorryimsorry I should have intervened. I knew the drugs
were getting out of hand *voice cracks *
[STOPS PACING, TAKES DEEEP BREATHS]
nine five zero twoo
I wish I could leave. How long have I been here? Two years? I don't
think anyone kept track, I should find that out. I wonder where my mom
is? Would she want to see me still? *mumble six nine three nine
I have to pull out of this, what's wrong with me anyways? I cant
remember what it feels like to make my own plans. Heh.
Mumble nine three seven five one zero five
[LIES DOWN ON BED AND SIGHS]
Scene 11
THERAPIST: Have you been keeping a record of your dreams like I asked you to?
SARAH: no, actually I have not, but I can tell you about them, if you want.
THERAPIST: ok. We'll start with last night and see where that takes us.
SARAH: wellll,, ok. So the first thing that I remember was I was
sitting in this clinic waiting room, and everything seems so sterile.
The walls are white, the floors are clean and everyone is lacking any
sort of expression in their faces. This nurse calls me in to this room
for a botox injection. In the dream I seem to be perfectly okay with
the fact that I don't have a single wrinkle. So they sit me down on
this bed and the nurse wheels out the stainless steel tray, with a
single massive needle on it. It must be a foot long.. and flied with a
translucent substance. Then she tells me to wait for the doctor. So,
I'm sitting in this room alone with this needle becoming more and more
frightened of what the effects are going to be. The door opens and
this indifferent looking doctor walks in, with a completely straight
face. He doesn't look at me as he enters the room, and there is
something robotic about the way he moves. Should I continue?
THERAPIST: huh, what? Umm.. Oh! Right yes. continue on.
SARAH: …. Ok. So. I'm trying to ask him questions like what effects
is this going to have? Are you qualified to be doing this? But he
just keeps his poker face on, and picks up the syringe and examines
it. And im all like ok, just stop for now. What are you doing? But he
just walks up to me, still indifferent even though im becoming more
and more frantic. So im screaming now. Stop! Tell me what you're
doing! But he plunges the needle right into my right cheek and presses
the plunger down.
THERAPIST: absurd
SARAH: well, yeah. It dosen't end there. I fall back onto the hospital
bed and the world starts turning really fast around me, and I cant
make sense of the images in front of my eyes before they change. And
im just trying to figure out what's happening but I cant seem to do it.
But then all of a sudden it stops and im sitting in my old bedroom
with my mother, and two sisters.
THERAPIST: What about your father?
SARAH: he wasn't there for some reason.
THERAPIST: mmmhm. [WRITE/SKETCHES IN HIS NOTEBOOK]
SARAH: but yeah, so my family is trying to talk to me, but I cant
understand what they're saying. So im just asking them over and over.
What do you want, what are you asking? I don't understand, I don't
understand. But they come and sit beside me, looking deeply concerned,
like im foaming at the mouth or something. But I just keep repeating
What! What! What! But then their arms are around my wrists holding me
down, but its not threatening. They have concerned looks in their eyes
and my mom is stroking the top of my head. And I think to myself, why
cant they hear me, why aren't they reacting? I feel like im shouting,
but by their reactions I might as well not be even saying anything.
But then their expressions of concern gradually disappear into that of
apathy, and they're tying me down to my bed. And I want them to stop
but its no use at all. They tie me up there on my bed amongst all my
stuffed animals and walk out of the room.
[SEVERAL SECONDS OF SILENCE]
THERAPIST: is that it?
SARAH: yeah, I think that's the whole thing.
THERAPIST: mmm, interesting. Oh, that reminds me, I talked to your
parents yesterday.
SARAH: really! What did they say?
THERAPIST: well, I gave them updates on your progress, and Sarah, I'm
sorry to say that we agreed that you aren't done here yet.
SARAH: oh…..
Scene 12
MAURICIO, MEGAN, MICHELLE, ROBBIE AND YASMINA ARE SITTING IN THE COMMON ROOM. MICHELLE AND YASMINA ARE BOTH HOLDING APPLES, ROBBIE IS QUIETLY READING FROM THE WORST CASE SCENARIO GUIDE TO UNDERWATER ADVENTURES, OCCASIONALLY UTTERING WORDS ALOUD, IN A WHISPER .THIS SCENE IS SHOT IN MEGAN'S P.O.V.
YASMINA, EXAMINING HER APPLE: I can't decide if I want this apple or not.
MICHELLE: I do not want this apple, but my body does.
MAURICIO: Your body does not want what it does not need.
ROBBIE: Apples wake you up better in the morning than coffee. They have the perfect balance of sugar and carbohydrates, alerting the body it is go-time, well not causing any dehydration.
MEGAN, TO YASMINA AND MICHELLE: It's not go-time already, is it?
YASMINA: Definitely not, no.
MAURICIO: The apple certainly made it go time for Eve.
MICHELLE: Well, how do you like them apples?
YASMINA: I'm putting mine back.
ROBBIE: The body needs a minimum number of categories to survive. Surviving any worst case scenario with out proper nutrients is practically impossible.
MICHELE: A good case in pont would be modern day Africa.
MICHELLE TAKES A LARGE BITE OUT OF HER APPLE, AND LAYS HER HAND ON HER STOMACH, IN A GENTLE AND SECRETIVE MANNER.
YASMINA: It's amazing how many people die a year.
MICHELLE: It's only natural; Adam Smith, the father of the free market, believed that there is a natural cycle, by which the world maintains a sense of stability. Forgive this, but, purges, if you will.
YASMINA: It's not fair, though.
MAURICIO: It's a pandemic. Not meant to be fair--
ROBBIE: --If you are ever caught is a cross current, it is important to remember to breath. Do not swim against the current, but take big gulps when you are in the air, and try to float your way out of it.
YASMINA: I read that tribal chiefs are telling them that the only cure is to sleep with a white virgin.
MICHELLE: It's not only AIDS that plages the first land, it's hunger, too. Babies not getting milk, children not getting basic bread.
MEGAN, V.O.: We've got a regular pow wow of weirdo's in here. Talk talk talk me to death. Doesn't help. All I want is to dance in the moon and feel free. I want to remember my youth, these moments, and not have them be as temporary as the smoke of flavored incense. I want to love these people as human beings, I see lost cases, hopeless, new immigrants on a sinking island. The latest members of Atlantis. Must stop this, thinking this way. I am nobody to judge. I am that persistent grain of sand that travels backwards in a suitcase, to be acknowledged in the unpacking. I want to accept these people, and I want to accept my own cosmic futility. There is nothing so small as me. There is nothing so small as me. Echoed thoughts, among the virgin Mary, and fucked Charimides, and the misunderstood foreigner.
Make it stop make it stop make it stop, makeitsopmakeitstopmakesoftopmakesoftopmakemesoft. These are people, people, people, as ugly and small as me. Why can't we all be beautiful? Why do the stars die, when I look towards the heavens, the source of the only light that touches me has died long ago, perhaps before my own birth...
MAURICIO: Not unlike those in our own company, eh, Megan?
MEGAN: I think it's all terrible.
MICHELE, HOLDING HER STOMACH AGAIN: Just like Mills. Megan Mills.
Scene 13
THERAPIST: Your goal for today, MAURICIO:
MAURICIO: Find a goal for tomorrow?
THERAPIST: That's a start, I guess, but you're not doing the best you can, I'm afraid.
MAURICIO: Oh, but I am.
THERAPIST: Tell me about Eric, and why it happened.
MAURICIO: The guy just tries to get under my skin.
THERAPIST: But it's you who controls how you feel, not others. You know that, it's one of the first things we talked about.
MAURICIO: I just lost it, okay. He was going on and on about what it's like to be on the outside, not to be some loser trapped in an institution, to eat and sleep and work like all the normal people out there.
THERAPIST: This is not an institution, you know that. This is a safe place for people who need to find out how to deal with life.
MAURICIO: This is to keep me from taking out the trash.
THERAPIST: Why do you say these things about yourself?
MAURICIO: I was never much for lying.
THERAPIST: This hostile attitude does nothing to help our sessions, MAURICIO, I'm not the bad guy, there are no bad guys.
MAURICIO: I'm the bad guy, I'm the one who totaled my own car.
THERAPIST: Tell me, how often do you think about that afternoon.
MAURICIO: Mostly only when I'm in this room.
THERAPIST: Do you think about the changes in your life since then.
MAURICIO: I think about not being locked in at night. Being able to shave unsupervised.
THERAPIST: Do you understand why we have to take those precautions?
MAURICIO: Of course I do. Just hate it.
THERAPIST: Why did you hurt Eric?
MAURICIO: Because he reminded me how small this fucking cage is.
THERAPIST: Do you want to get better?
MAURICIO: I just don't want to be an animal.
THERAPIST: Mauricio, I'm going to give you a notebook, with a pen, but you have to promise not to use them for anything but your intended purposes.
MAURICIO: Okay. Promise.
THERAPIST: I want you to write everything you can that reminds you of what it's like to be human. Everything. I wont be reading this journal, it's a private place for you to record anything you like. Can you do that?
MAURICIO: Si, senor, I would be very much obliged.
Scene 14
MEGAN AND MICHELLE ARE IN THEIR ROOM. MICHELLE IS ASLEEP, MEGAN IS STARING AT THE CEILING, AS USUAL. MICHELE IS SLEEPING SOMEWHAT RESTLESSLY, MURMURING VERY QUIETLY, AND KICKING, HER LEGS ARE MOVING LIKE SNAKES BENEATH THE BLANKETS. MICHELLE WHISPER/WHINES A SENTENCE THAT IS INCOMPREHENSIBLE.
MEGAN: What?
MICHELLE: I don't want to. Stop.
MEGAN: Are you asleep?
MICHELLE: Don't. Get away. I don't want to lose it. Stop it.
MEGAN: Lose what?
MICHELLE: she's yours too. Stop. I wont, I didn't tell anyone. I'll say it was someone else. Don't.
MEGAN: Wake, up, Michelle, you're dreaming.
MICHELLE: No, stop it. MICHELLE BEGINS TO CRY. Stop it, please Danny, stop. She's mine and yours, stop, no, no, no, mmm, no.
MEGAN: Michelle? Wake-up.
MICHELLE: Leave her alone. Unhhnn, just leave us alone...
MEGAN: Michelle MEGAN IS NOW SHAKING MICHELLE. Wake up, wake-up, it's okay.
MICHELLE: LEAVE ME ALONE.
MEGAN: Hey, are you okay?
MICHELLE: AHHH! GET AWAY FROM ME. LEAVE ME ALONE!
MICHELLE IS CRYING HYSTERICALLY, AND FLAILING WHILE MEGAN TRIES TO HOLD HER DOWN, IN AN EMBRACE.
MICHELLE: LEAVE ME ALONE! GET AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE! STOP IT! LEAVE ME ALONE.
SHE KEEPS REPEATING THIS, UNTIL HER SOBS DRY OUT, AND SHE IS BEING HELD BY MEGAN, TRYING TO KEEP BREATHING.
Scene 15
SCENE STARTS IN DEREKS ROOM SMOKING CIGARETTES WITH ERIC. FOR AWHILE
ALL THEY DO IS SIT AND SMOKE AND OCCASIONALLY GLACE OVER AT THE OTHER.
DEREK: Don't you ever wish you could go back in time and change things?
ERIC: yeah, man. Of course. I wouldn't be here if I could.
DEREK: I been thinking about it a lot lately. Where I wish I did
things differently, y'know… regret. That's the word.
ERIC: [takes a drag and exhales a yeeep]
DEREK: [staring out the window] I never meant to hurt her. I don't
know what came over me.
ERIC: what the fuck are you talking about?
DEREK: I really liked annie, we were just having a regular night.
Just me and her, y'know? We were back at her place and the next thing
I knew my hands were around her wrists holding her down. I'll never
forget her face right then.
ERIC: seriously, what the fuck are you babbling about? Bitches are bitches.
DEREK: [starting to cry] I tried to forget, but I cant. I still see
her face. Hear her yell, feel that reluctant breathing. I wonder where
she is now? What she thinks of me. … its so hard when I think of when
she had to tell her parents. Or go to the police, she must have been
so humiliated…. More that just humiliation. I deserve to fucking die
for what I did to annie, she was such a nice girl.
ERIC: what did you do? Whos annie?.
DEREK: I RAPED HER OKAY. I thought you would understand. [crying]
ERIC: are you crying? Don't go fag on me/
DEREK: Have you ever been in love? Do you even know what it feelslike? I don't think I can ever let myself fall in love. With the way
I've treated people. I don't even know what im talking about. I've
just got to pull out of this. I have to forget, since I cant stand up
to myself.
ERIC: Stop crying, pussy.
DEREK: See? You don't understand Eric. You don't know what it feels
like to do something that unspeakable to someone you could have loved.
You don't understand regret. I don't even know why im fucking
bothering telling you this. I just cant take it anymore. Its always on
my mind.
ERIC: whatever. [Smoking] girls only have one purpose anyways. Fucking.
DEREK: she was beautiful Eric, not just on the outside. She could make
you laugh.
ERIC: [fake sounding laugh] uhhhh OK. [sarcastic]
DEREK: no one understands regret.
Scene 16
THERAPIST"S P.O.V. TAPE RECORDER, READIED PEN, ETC.
THERAPIST: So, Megan, what is your goal for today?
MEGAN: To remember, first things first.
THERAPIST: A good thing to start with. Have you been finding yourself overwhelmed, lately?
MEGAN: Not really, no. Well, maybe, I'm not sure.
THERAPIST: It's a strange adjustment, living here. Outside this facility, you have a lot more to think about, and your life is probably a lot busier. And within this program, the only thing you can really think about is yourself. Using a meta-cognitive approach, your leave back on top when you leave.
MEGAN: Uhh, okay. If you say so.
THERAPIST: Do you think this method of healing is helping you, Megan?
MEGAN: I think so, actually. I find I'm not quite as depressed, and have seldom thought of reattempting.
THERAPIST: I see.
MEGAN: I don't really think of chewing pills like gumdrops, and slipping into a black coma, followed by a young and quiet death.
THERAPIST: But, you have to realize that your death would effect many, it would not be so easy and quiet as you imagine it. Your parents and friends and teachers would be very very upset.
MEGAN: But I thought I was supposed to be thinking of myself.
Scene 17
MEGAN OPENS A DOOR, AND WALKS TOWARD THE COMMON AREA, WHERE MICHELLE, ROBBIE, AND SARAH ARE SITTING. MEGAN AND MICHELLE MAKE EYE CONTACT, AND MICHELLE GETS UP, AND WALKS TOWARDS THE SESSION ROOM.
THE FOLLOWING MIGHT BE EDITED AS A PARALLEL SCENE:
THERAPIST: Hello, Michelle, what's your goal today?
MICHELLE: I think I want to let it come out today.
THERAPIST: Are we going to talk reasons for the event, Michelle?
MICHELLE: We've done this before, doc.
THERAPIST: I say we giver her another go.
MICHELLE: I guess, you sign the papers, after all.
THERAPIST: We can't achieve anything in a hostile environment Megan. Should we take a Freudian approach?
MICHELLE: We could. It might prove a fascinating experiment.
MEGAN MOVES HER CHAIR SO THAT HER BACK IS TO THE THERAPIST.
THERAPIST: If you like, you might lie down on the floor, if this is more comfortable for you.
MICHELLE: I should be okay, thanks.
THERAPIST: Okay, then, let's start the session. What is your goal for today?
MICHELLE: To find out a way that I might be healthy enough to be allowed to leave.
THERAPIST: Excellent. Now, Michelle, how have you been sleeping?
MICHELLE: Not terribly well, actually. I don't feel rested when I wake up, and I've been dreaming, disarming dreams.
THERAPIST: Oh?
MICHELLE: The other night I dreamt of my brother, and what he did to me.
THERAPIST: What did he do?
MICHELLE: I don't think I want to carry on like this.... MICHELLE ATTEMPTS TO TURN HER CHAIR BACK TO FACE THE THERAPIST.
THERAPIST: Stop right there. Face the subject, Michelle. What did he do?
MICHELLE: He, nothing, okay. HE didn't do anything.
THERAPIST: This isn't helping to heal you, tell me, now, what is it he did?
MICHELLE: He killed my baby. He killed our baby, doc, and I hate him for it.
THERAPIST: This is progress Michelle. The Freudian method works wonders for you, y'know.
MICHELLE: I don't know.
Scene 18
MEGAN, ROBBIE, SARAH, AND YASMINA ARE STILL SEATED IN THE COMMON ROOM.
MEGAN: Hey, do you guys know if, um, I can ask for a new roommate?
YASMINA: Don't like locking up with Michelle?
MEGAN: Don't get me wrong, I mean, she's not a bad person, it's just, uh, this is going to sound very insensitive.
ROBBIE: In any worst case scenario is important to use as many of your senses as you can, to scope out the situation, however, in most relationships, a sense of self preservation is essential.
MEGAN: Uh, she, she has these nightmares, and they kinda freak me out. I don't know, it's weird, and I feel bad–
YASMINA: Don't feel bad. That's what got you into this place, right.
MEGAN: I don't know.
SCENE 19
MAURICIO IS SMOKING OUT HIS WINDOW, THE FOLLOWING IS A MONOLOGUE, TO BE DELIVERED IN SPANISH, WITH SUBTITLES.
MAURICIO:
TRANSLATION: So hard, keep it inside, bud. Be your own friend. It doesn't get to me, it doesn't bother me, and I'm feeling okay, doing just fine. Loneliness never killed anybody. It never did, and that's for damn fucking sure. I never killed no body either, because it's not how I am. I am not a killer. I hit, and I kick and I lose it, but I never killed anybody. This is the least to be-least to be said. No one never died of loneliness. they keep you here, bud, because you lose it, and you almost lost it over a bridge. They keep you here because you almost let loneliness kill you dead. And you ain't so lonely, you know, you got a lot of people. Oh, but I push them away. It's terrible, I'm terrible and the world is going crazy. I'm as crazy as the new moon, empty in the sky.
Scene 18
GROUP SESSION, THERAPISTS POV. EVERYONE IS SITTING IN A CIRCLE.
THERAPIST: Okay, im going to make a statement. And you all can give
your thoughts and opinions on it, tell me if you agree or disagree.
Then explain yourselves. Ok?
[Muffled response]
..Ok. Every single thing you do effects everyone else in one way or another.
ERIC: Ya Fuckin right. It make a difference to some random guy in
china if I get laid or not. That is my business only, and don't matter
to anyone else.
DEREK: Of course it wouldn't make a difference because you're not
getting laid anyways. *laughs*
ERIC: shut up.
GRANT: You two are having quite the effect on my headache right now.
SARAH: Actually I think that everything we do has implications, which
cause chains of events that lead to slight effects on someone else
world. And someone can also directly change somones life drastically.
Its all relative to the situation.
MICHELLE: Its like Newtons third law that says every action has an
equal and opposite reaction. It can be applied to social systems. When
you undertake action on your environment, that action is spread out
over several different systems of said environment, each with their
own specific criteria. And each system will react through the
environment. Influencing everyones life.
YASMINA: [stares at michelle] …. I don't know what you just said, but
that was some serious shit.
ERIC: Since I didn't care the slightest bit about what your opinions,
that already proves that you're wrong.
THERAPIST: Lets not try to belittle one another. Keep it constructive.
What do you think, megan?
MEGAN: I don't know…
THERAPIST: C'mon megan. You have to be vocal during these sessions.
MEGAN: Well, I kinda agree with michelle. And a lot of the time we
impact people more than we are aware of.
ROBBIE: Its very very important to be completely aware of your
surroundings. Not paying attention is how worst case scearios happen!
MEGAN: yeah, I guess. But it is possible to have an impact on someones
life, and not even know.
MICHELLE: Life is just interconnectivity between systems. All things
like social systems, spirituality, personality are accounted for.
MAURICIO: Is it possible to be a part of any of your crazy systems?
MCIHELLE: no. everything is accounted for.
MAURICIO: What about those who live their lives alone? The people no
one else listens to? Sometimes people slip through cracks and go
unnoticed. No one cares.
THERAPIST: What do you mean, Mauricio?
MAURICIO: Im just fuckin sick. Someone can ignore someones existence
for years even though you live in the same house. Never care what they
have to say. Never pay attention. I hate how there are lonely people
talking to the open sky at night instead of a friend of lover, and
they go on without consolation.
THERAPIST: It sounds like you're talking about something familiar,
Mauricio. Are you talking about yourself?
MUARICIO: I JUST DON'T WANT TO FEEL ALONE OK? You don't understand.
You never had to live in my house. You don't know what its like to be
ALONE.
MEGAN: We're all here together.
Scene 19
MEGAN AND MICHELLE'S ROOM.
MEGAN: So, I bet you were always one of those girls who read every book in the library.
MICHELLE: No, I just pay very close attention.
MEGAN: Oh.
MICHELLE: It's a lot easier to take it in than to think of memories and home and places I'd rather not be.
MEGAN: Yeah, I guess. Did you ever read any Boroughs?
MICHELLE: Yes, and Joyce, and Lawerence, and many others. Fiction is wonderful, but even at it's best it's repetition. Art trying ti's best to imitate life....
MEGAN: And you'd rather have the real thing.
MICHELLE: If you only knew.
MEGAN: So tell me.
MICHELLE: I can't. I've never really said as much before.
MEGAN: I meant it, we're all in this together, and you probably just, y'know, need to get it out there. Release it to the universe.
MICHELLE: I had life inside me once. A little nemo. An almost human fish. I was the world of a person for a time.
MEGAN: For a time?
MICHELLE: He ended it, for all concerned. He drove me to a special clinic, and waited in seafoam lobby while I was vacumed, cleaned, washed, defeated and deflated.
MEGAN: I'm sorry.
MICHELLE: Me too. I tried to kill myself because he killed us, this little nemo, not even a bump yet. MY own flesh and blood. I had to go home with him, eat supper across the table from him, listen to my mom ask him about a social test he had had that day.
MEGAN: Your mom...?
MICHELLE: He's my step brother.
MEGAN: Oh. Rough.
MICHELLE: And he robbed me of a constant, he killed a part of me, and a part of himself. I couldn't stand it, I just couldn't. You understand, don't you? You understand, don't you?? I mean, somebody has to. They vacumed her right out of me, scraped my cervical walls, and it hurt. It hurt like a bitch, megan, and he didn't bat an eye, he kills my baby, our baby, and goes home to eat the pot roast my fucking mother made him. So I took a bath with razor blades, and you know, it's true what they say, hurts less in the tub the warm water all around you, draining the water inside of you. I think she was there with me, you know, in my blood, in the bath, I cut her free, after they scrapped her out. Sometimes I still feel her inside of my, I know it's psychological, I'm Pavlov's puppy. But I wanted her so bad, a little nemo, nemo means nothing in latin, and she could've been everything. I still feel her tiny little heart, no bigger than a pin head, beating inside of me. I feel it megan. I feel it and it's throbbing and pulsing and I can feel it like my own heart beat. Do you understand, can you understand me, does itmake any fucking sense now?
MEGAN IS TRYING TO SOMEHOW COMFORT MICHELLE, WHO HAS BEEN GROWING SOMEWHAT MANIC.
MEGAN: Shhh.... it's okay.
Scene 20
THIS SCENE IS FILMED ENTIRELY IN FIRST PERSON POINT OF VEIW. THE PERSON WHOM EYES WER ARE USING IS SMOKING, LEANING UP AGAINS A BRIDGE. THERE IS THE SOUND OF WATER, AND WE CAN SEE, PERIPHALLY, THE LIGHTS OF THE CITY THROUGH THE CIGGARETTE SMOKE. THE PERSON LOOKS DOWN, TO THE DEPTHS OF THE RIVER, WHICH ARE UNWELCOMING AT BEST. THE PERSON CLIMBS TO A POINT WHERE HE/SHE MAY JUMP TO THE WATER UNINTERUPTED. WE HEAR A SHAPR INTAKE OF BREATH, TAKE THE JUMP, AND THERE IS A QUICK CUT TO BLACK.
scene 21:
THE SCREEN IS STILL BLACK, AND WE HEAR THE VOICE OF THE THERAPIST. HIS VOICE FADES TO MUSIC THOUGH THE LAST LINE IS SOMEWHAT EMPHASIZED.
THERAPIST: Welcome to the Schribersworth youth home. I'm Doctor Samuel Schribersworth, and I will be showing you the rounds. This is the common area, where, if you wish, you may read, or draw, or play one of our many board games. This is Eric, this is Sylvia, Sarah, Jason, and Rob. This way to the bathroom, it's a converted house, so there are no stalls. This is where the eating room is, and this is Ashley, Grant, Jim, and Yasmina. Down this corridor, in the room on the left, is where the therapeutic sessions will be taking place. We do a combination of group therapy and one on one here. I run both types of sessions. But by the time you get out of here, kid, I'm sure you'll be feeling just fine.
END. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 10th, 2005|09:05 pm] |
Lobotomy, lobotomy, lobotomy, lobotomy! DDT did a job on me now I am a real sickie guess I'll have to break the news
That I got no mind to lose all the girls are in love with me I'm a teenage lobotomy
Slugs and snails are after me DDT keeps me happy now I guess I'll have to tell 'em
That I got no cerebellum gonna get my Ph.D. I'm a teenage lobotomy
Lobotomy, lobotomy, lobotomy, lobotomy! DDT did a job on me now I am a real sickie guess I'll have to break the news
That I got no mind to lose all the girls are in love with me I'm a teenage lobotomy |
|
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 12th, 2005|01:59 pm] |
FIRSTS:
1. First best friend: Wesley Lui
2. First love: One and only
3. First real kiss: Jolene Moen.
4. First screen name: mister_hobo (when i first discovered the internet at age 12)
5. First pet: Shakey
6. First car: bike.
LASTS:
1. Last cigarette: long time ago.
2. Last kiss: final.
3. Last good cry: eight days ago.
4. Last beverage drunk: Chocolate milk.
5. Last food consumed: Asparagus.
6. Last crush: lol.
7. Last phone call: about 10 days ago, cj phoned me to know the artist of a particular song, i had forgotten so then the conversation ended..
RELATIONSHIPS:
1. Best Friend? Justin Jones.
2. Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend: nope.
FASHION STUFF:
1. Where are your favorite places to shop: dumpsters.
2. Favorite item of clothing: i really like hoodies.
SPECIFICS:
1. Do you do drugs: In a certain respect.
2. What kind of shampoo: Umm, the black bottle.
3. What are you most scared of: HEART ATTACKS.
FAVORITES:
1. Colors: light blues, pale browns/beige, whites and blacks.
2. Foods: ASPARAGUS.
3. Subject in school: Broadcasting.
4. Animals: kitty.
5. Sports: basketball.
6. Movie: too hard to say, amelie or rushmore.
HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Given anyone a bath: noe.
2. Smoked: ya.
3. Made yourself throw-up: no.
4. Skinny dipped: nope
5. Been in love: Yes.
CURRENT:
1. Clothes: defiance t shirt, black jeans.
2. Music: constantines
3. Make-up: ru ghey?
4. IMs: JJONES
LAST PERSON:
2. Hugged: My dad.
3. Imed: Justin.
4. Last person who slept at your house: uhh, first persong outside of my family would be jacob valentine. person who was there because of me, shit i dont even know. last summer.
5. Last persons house you slept at: CJ, Janet, Lhaine, Erica's.
RANDOM:
1. In the morning I am: riding trains, being frusterated.
2. Love is: everything.
3. I dream about: car chases
Ten years ago, I:
1. counted the cracks on the sidewalk on the way to school.
2. played with action figures.
3. lived in marlborugh.
Five years ago, I:
1. was really into the legend of zelda.
2. discovered punk rock.
3. graduated from elementary school.
One year ago, I:
1. was too busy falling in love to notice anything else.
2.
3.
So far this year, I:
1. Made a good freind in Justin.
2. Fucked up
3. WAIT, 2005, or the past year?
Yesterday , I:
1. Listened to Tom Wait's Real Gone
2. Had a meeting for the DJ's at school.
3. oh hi.
Today, I:
1. had a jam session with my dad on harmonica, my dads girl friend on piano and i played guitar. my little brother hit buckets.
2. watched a documentary on wildlife in canada
3. am going to the outhouse.
Tomorrow, I'm:
1. Missing the gaza strip
2. not talking to those i dont know.
3. going to be patronized.
In one year, I will:
1. party.
2. party
3. part
In five years, I will:
1. make a documentary.
2. live on my own
3. accept.
A - age : almost 17
B - band listening to right now: constantines
C - crush: :(
D - dad's name : john.
E - easiest person to talk to: cait.
F - favorite band at the moment : Against Me!
G - gummy bears or gummy worms : worms
H - hometown : Calgary
I - instruments u can play: whatever i want
K - kids: no
L - longest car ride ever: salt lake city.
M - mom's name : dana
N - number of siblings : 1
O - one wish : just to live a fulfilling life
P - pet peeve[s] : closed-minds
Q - favorite quote: we've grown so accoustomed to authority, so maybe a prison sentance seems safer than responsibility?
R - biggest rival: the establishment. |
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deadwomb's journal
